I didn't think I was going to post this but I feel like I should so I dug out my old blogger since I don't feel comfortable sharing this with my 700+ tumblr followers. Anyway here is my blog about Esther Grace Earl:
I am a person of quotes. I am terrible at starting things so I usually start with a quote since I have such a large bank of them in my head. I started my personal statement for my college applications with my favourite quote "Shoot for the moon even if you miss you'll land among the stars" as a jumping off point. But right now, I can't choose just one quote to begin what I want to write about. There are just so many that come to mind. I've been thinking about this for the past few days. I've really wanted to write something, even if I never share it just because I need to get every thing out. This won't be as eloquently worded as some other blogs I have read because I'm not a great writer, but I don't care. I just need to do this for me.
Ood Sigma once told the Tenth Doctor, "your song may be ending, but your story will never die." On August 25, 2010 after four years of battling thyroid cancer, Esther Grace Earl's song ended prematurely. Just as the Tenth Doctor's story will continue to live on in all the people he affected, even after he has gone, so will Esther's. Esther was a star who shined so bright! She brought love, happiness and joy to so many she met and so many more she never had the opportunity to meet. She had this amazing presence that inspired so much good. She brought out the best in people, even when she was not feeling her best. She truly was a wonderful person and I'm so honoured to have had the pleasure of calling her one of my close friends.
I remember when I first found out about Esther's illness. I had been following her collab channel on YouTube and had looked through her photos on Facebook from LeakyCon so I knew that she occasionally wore an oxygen tube, but from all my interactions with her online I had never gotten a "sick vibe" from her. I don't even really know what that means. I guess what I'm just saying is, had you not known her condition, you would have never guessed she was going through so much! She hesitated telling us because she didn't want us to treat her any differently. She didn't want to be "the girl with cancer", but she never was! She was just Esther.
I'd be lying if I said finding out about her cancer didn't change anything, though. Knowing what she had been through, was still going through, gave me a feeling of admiration toward her. I know she hated being idolised. She made it clear that she was just a normal teenaged girl who happen to be dealing with an illness. She reminded us in a video recently that she wasn't perfect. That she got frustrated and at times she hated her cancer. But even so, it would be impossible to say she didn't stand out from the rest! She was strong, she was brave, she lived life to the fullest. It is terrible that it took something so serious to make everyone see this. In the song Louder than Words from the musical Tick…Tick…BOOM! Jonathan Larson wrote "Why does it take catastrophe to start a revolution?" I will never understand why it takes something horrible to inspire good, I wish this wasn't they way our world worked. Can't we just have all the good and none of the bad?
On Wednesday in our Skype chat, someone said something about how it is situations like this that make it hard for her to believe in G-d. But personally, I disagree. Yes, it sucks to lose someone so young. Ideally, everyone should live a happy healthy life and die a natural death at the ripe old age of 104, but that is not the way the world works. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I've studied a bit of theodicy and while there are situations where at the time you can't imagine any good coming from them, in the end something beautiful will eventually rise up like a phoenix from ashes. Personally, I need to believe this is true. I need to believe that there is a silver lining somewhere. Some people might not be able to accept that this means some bad is brought into this world on purpose. No one wants to believe that G-d wants to cause suffering, but sometimes it is necessary. I might not always be okay with the outcome of certain situations, but looking at the bright side or a terrible situation can sometimes be all it takes to help me get through. Don't get me wrong, I don't think anyone getting cancer and dying prematurely is a good thing, but just look at everything that has been inspired by Esther! With Esther, The HP Alliance was granted $250,000 from the Chase Giving Challenge. For Esther, John Green announced publicly on YouTube that he loves his brother and encouraged so many others to voice their love to their loved ones. Esther inspired so much love and so much hope and touched so many lives! If she hadn't been ill, who knows if she would have still been the same girl and inspired the same things. I will miss Esther so much, and I wish she didn't have to deal with the things she had to deal with, but in the end, this world would not have been the same without her presence. I would not have been the same without her friendship! To quote yet another musical "…so much of me is made from what I learned from you you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart and now what ever way our stories end I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend…because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
Those who know me know I want to be a doctor. I've never been able to really answer the question of why I decided that was the pathway for my life, it just felt like the right thing for me. My mom can't accept that answer, she needs something more concrete because she can't imagine why someone would willingly choose the lifestyle of a doctor. My mom also never understood my online life and I probably gave up too quickly trying to explain it to her so I just didn't. But if my mom could have known Esther, I think she'd feel differently. It is not because of Esther I want to be a doctor, that decision was made before I ever met her, but being a part of her life for the past year and following her illness has only solidified in me the want to go to medical school. I know it won't be easy, but if, as a doctor, I can affect one person's life the way Esther's doctors did, if I can help give a terminal patient just a little more time for them to spend with those that love them, it will be worth it! Yes, I want to save lives, but even more than that, I want to make a difference in people's lives. I know I won't be able to save everyone, but I hope that for those I am unable to save, I can at least give them a chance to spend their end happy and with loved ones. I don't know if I am even explaining this clearly. I have never actually expressed this outside of my own head before. But anyway, it is for this reason over the past year I have been thinking about going into oncology more and more. I have had a few people close to me battle cancer, and of those, two stand out above the rest. These two people did not let their illness bring them down. They still continued to embrace life and make their impact in the world through the people that they touch. Both of these girls have been an inspiration to me and both of these girls have put their illness aside and continued to reach out and put others first. One of these girls was Esther.
And now I think I'm going to bring this to a close. I'm just as bad at ending things as I am at starting them so I'm just going to end this with a list other quotes I wasn't able to work in.
"Fear or love baby don't say the answer, actions speak louder than words" - Jonathan Larson
"The Weapon we have is love" - Harry and the Potters
"You think the dead we loved ever truly leave us? You think we don't recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble" - Albus Dumbledore
"525,600 minutes how do you measure, measure a year?...Measure in love" - Jonathan Larson
"There's one more angel in heaven. One more star in the sky." - Andrew Lloyd Weber
"Thomas Edison's last word were 'It's very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is but I believe it's somewhere and I hope it's beautiful." - John Green
Esther, darling, I am so grateful to have gotten to know you over this last year! I only wish we could have had more time! I love you so so much and will miss you greatly! I know you will continue to live on in the lives of everyone you touched so that your shining star will never go out! On August 25th, your song ended. But this ending was only the beginning of the next chapter in your story! I know where ever you are you are continuing to spread your love and joy.
Shine on, Esther!
Rest in Awesome!
<3
